~...Mera Jahaan...~

sitting in the dark

2012-01-21T09:06:00.000-06:00

As I read my previous notes, I wonder if anything new has come out of it. I'm still searching for some kind of freedom. And I've once again returned to writing in search of it.

I can see right now the same vision I've had before. A dream I dream of, as I sit up, awake, and lose myself in the emptiness around me. A great big field, soft blades of fresh green grass, and warm winds twirling around me. The softest of music playing in the back, with each single sound making tangible, things of nature that are often unseen. What it must feel like to have literally everything, but still feel like something's missing. What it must feel like to have everyone's support, but silently be fighting a lonesome battle. And what it must feel like to have a home, but live as a wanderer. What little satisfaction it provides to have a clean complete house, but a mind full of chaos. To have all things you've ever wanted, but very little of what you need in the heart.

just want to be a little girl again

2011-12-04T20:10:00.001-06:00

There's 'what's right.' There's 'what's expected.' And then there's also 'what I want.' Unfortunately they almost never overlap. And put together it makes a horrible cocktail that leaves nothing but a whole lot of bitterness. It's not meant to be put together it seems. At least not in certain ways. I guess we're all a prey to this drink.

Sometimes I find myself in multiple personalities, doing each of those at different times. It's crazy and at the same time, the only sane thing to do. Rather the only thing to do to stay sane. Being a different person for everyone often makes me forget who I really wanted to be. What I really want. But maybe that's what I'm supposed to be doing? Exhausting as it is, it seems to be the only way to survive.

When I was little, I always felt different from everyone, unique, somehow connected to something greater and something beyond. But I never could figure out what that is. I felt this magic inside of me, something that made me see me as so different from everyone, seeing things others didn't see, and discovering secrets no one knew about. Life is moving in the direction I want it to move in...yet in the process I'm losing so much. I wish I could go back to being a dreamer again. I wish I could go back to my world...a field of grass swaying in the soft winds, stretching out past any horizons, endlessly, a bright sun shining all day, with an old-fashioned stereo on my side playing my favorite songs... I'm sitting alone just taking in the peace of the moment, a moment that's everlasting. Just want to go back to my world of dreams.

What am I doing here? Why am I doing this? Am I really happy, or just pretending? What have I become? This isn't who I wanted to be. This isn't what I dreamed about. No wings and all spaces finite. I'm just one of the many. Why can I see a sky? Why can I see the limits? Is this what they call growing up? Or is it something else? Or am I just a coward?

I have voices inside of me telling me to let loose and just do what I want. To take a break from this life, and go make mistakes, to rebel, to forget inhibitions, break the rules, and just release my soul into the freedom that my heart seems to long for. I wished for world peace, end of poverty, education for all, and a society where giving was the only desire in people's hearts. Somewhere I've lost myself in a system and want to find myself now.

sounds of my heart

2011-07-17T10:47:00.005-05:00

Music is so beautiful. Each sound is so perfectly placed, each instrument has its own moment. The light blend of it all makes a perfect melody, that brings so much peace to the heart. My troubled mind loosens its grip, and the emotions flow out of my body so much more easily. As if it knows exactly where to go to find my lost feelings and unravel my confusion.

If only thoughts had such power to unravel themselves

The sounds blend together and leave spaces for me to place myself within the music...to flow with it...to soar with it. It pulls me into its arms of comfort, where feelings aren't judged and emotions are understood. Welcomed...accepted the way they are. I don't have to justify my feelings. Like a knight in shining armor, courage and kindness in his every move...gently taking me into his arms, dancing with me, protecting me from all worries, freeing me as we make a bond with each other. The music grows only lighter and softer, and the world around us transforms into an endless field of a soft white light, enveloping us in its silent protective shield. My fears and boundaries melt away, giving way to a smile.

Maybe it's a thought too romantic

worried!

2011-03-23T15:53:00.002-05:00

Even though good things are happening, something's still holding me back. It's almost too good to be true. I'm just drowning in some weird paranoia :-( .. just have a feeling that something will give me a really hard time when it gets closer to that time.

What should I do? I wish I could plan it all and the future would just follow my plans. I guess there really isn't a choice. No matter how much I plan or try for things to work, I'll just have to prepare for these spontaneous battles, if I really want to make this happen.

I hope I make it through!!

on love

2010-11-10T21:12:00.002-06:00

Is there anything more beautiful in life than a boy and a girl, hand-in-hand and soul-to-soul, walking with their pure hearts on the path of marriage? Is there anything more beautiful than young love?

It's the sight of an old couple. Still together, still hand-in-hand. As with time, their skin wrinkles and the body tires, but their hearts shine radiant still...radiant and overflowing with the love they bear still and will forever, for each other... beyond anything and everything around, and existing. Yes, there is. It's old love.

Is it a moment? Is it a journey? Is it time-bound? It's nothing but a lifetime of countless moments. Moments of simply you and I. Of us. Where no amount of time is too little, or too much. Moments undefined by time.

It's good. It's bad. It's adventurous and risky at times. But if it has me, and if it has you, it's perfect every time.

to believe...or not to believe

2010-10-18T14:32:00.002-05:00

Believing that things will be okay

Believing in yourself

Believing in time and believing in patience

Believing that I won't fall

Believing in my decisions

Believing that if I do fall, I'll be okay

Believing in something bigger than myself, something larger and more meaningful

Believing in a dream

But most importantly, believing in believing itself

That is the question

conversations with sounds and melodies

2010-09-24T13:49:00.002-05:00

I love piano and jazz music. With each stroke on the piano, with each chord that sounded, it ripples a peaceful sound wave in my thoughts. In one moment, I forget everything that's on my mind, and just stare outside my window. To admire what has always existed, but has never been known. A still beauty in the form of the deep black sky with starry spots, seemed to envelop Chicago's skyline last night.

Music is like water. Even with the lightest waves, it brings immense power to drown, and to change the paths we used to be on. The expressway..and the cars...all from this distance, look like a soothing and everlasting wave. I could watch this sight forever.

one ladle of soup, please

2010-09-18T00:20:00.004-05:00

how little actions can make some pretty big impacts

It's food for thought. My current roomie is the most positive person I know. She is also one of the strongest people I know. We all want to make things better, but very few of us have the courage to dig deep within ourselves, to find and change the all those little complexities of the mind which make us who we are. My roomie has that kind of strength of mind.

Each and every person in my life, every single person who means so much to me, is around me in some form or meaning. Not just in pictures, clothes, or gifts, but in thoughts, behavior, and habits. Each and every day I take in a little of what I admire about each of you, to become who I desire to ideally be. To do what's sometimes hard to do, and to do the opposite of what might come naturally for me to do, but to do what may be the right thing to do. Most importantly, to know in the end, that while we may all be a part of one entity, there is no shame in learning from others. There is no loss of individuality in doing something different from what we naturally do each day, by grouping together aspects we admire about those we care about, and sometimes even certain strangers.

To fight fear, I realize we must acknowledge it first. Sometimes, that becomes the foundation of the solution. And sometimes, that alone becomes the solution to the problem.

"Chicken Soup for the Indian Soul" - Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Raksha Bharadia

gray skies and hidden thunder

2010-07-23T13:59:00.003-05:00

Moved into my new place. It's beautiful and I have a view of the whole city. I couldn't have asked for more. Every evening I lie down and watch the sky and the clouds shift slowly. The yellow-orange, hot sun losing its glow and settling down for the day. It's gorgeous. I wish I could live here forever for the view it has and sometimes for the peace it gives me to just stare into the sky.

When I was younger, I used to sit in my bedroom by the window, door closed, I would put on my headphones and listen to that song, and watch the sun set all evening. I had a dream once too that I was in a beautiful meadow. It stretched out from all directions into the vastness of the space. It just never ended. It was sunny and slightly windy. I had a radio playing in the back and I was just sitting on the grass admiring the view.

I find that dependence is a weakness everyone has and can't do without. It's like one of those things...those chocolate chip and fudge cookies which are SO delicious, but so bad for you. It's what builds relationships. And the lack or too much, of which can ruin relationships. We depend on what we see, what we eat. We depend on who we are with and without, what we do and want to do, and so many more things. Because they all determine how we essentially feel.

I was thinking today about the dynamic of good and evil. The yin-yang. The black and white. The high and low. Every extreme. It seems that they both must exist for the world to be in balance. And they must CO-exist for minds to be in balance.

I thought about the complexities of the human mind. Humans are so intelligent, yet some natural mysteries, that have existed since our creation, have never been understood. Some simple things in life that are never solved, because they can never be figured out. Some continual but fruitless efforts. Yet they continue and they must, because that seems to be-the law of nature.

What a tiring world.

quarter after 1

2010-04-19T20:42:00.003-05:00

jkdjfmsdkjad

2010-04-17T20:51:00.002-05:00

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! I don't know what's wrong with me :( I can't focus!!! I have a million-page lab report to finish and a project to write up! Nothing is making sense, and I'm worried!

I'm taking a break.

No. I'm taking another break.

I went shopping today in the afternoon to buy some summer clothes. It's not so bad being on your own. I don't like it when people get mad at me :( I don't like it when I can't decide. The shopping experience today was little more than just spending money. I went downtown on my own around 1. I don't know why, but I've always been scared to go downtown on my own. But I went today out of my deep desire for a new wardrobe. Scared in the beginning, but slowly started to ease in and like the independence. I started with Payless and ended at H&M. After about 2 hours of looking around, I ended up with a reallly cool light jacket (it's still not summer in Chicago), a pair of sandals, and a summer top :) It's not much, but I felt a sense of achievement. Having almost never shopped for myself, it was making me a little nervous to look around, think about the prices, and choose. But it was rewarding.

I feel sometimes that life's the same way. Each small step is an achievement in achieving a goal much larger. It may not be evident now, but it all adds up on this scale that we can't see. And before we know it, we'll be at a different stage of life, wondering whatever happened to that image of me __ many years ago.

I don't want to go anywhere on Monday, not class not lab :( I just want to stay home and sleeep sleeep sleeeep

But I'm excited about my new jacket!! I'll wake up early just to wear it to lab :)

revelation?

2010-04-16T13:29:00.003-05:00

Something happened today that reminded me of my goals. Reminded me why I'm doing what I'm doing. Why I worry and why I rush. Often I'd lose perspective, forget why I'm doing anything. I'd slow down, lose my motivation. Don't want to disappoint anyone, and want no more arguments. Don't want to regret. So I will do what my heart tells me to. This is why I chose this path initially. Now I realize it again and have started it up. It might be hard work, it might be a fight, or...it might just be a tedious journey to take alone and obstacles to overcome, long moments of patience, and remembering my motivation. It will be achieved. I will continue.

grapes

2010-04-12T21:35:00.003-05:00

I was reading my older posts, and I've been thinking about where I stand now, roughly 9 months after I moved here. Strangely enough, it's still all pretty new to me. I wonder when I'll feel settled in. I wonder if I ever will. I've been applying to internships, thinking about my career, thinking about my future life, where I'll be and what I'll be doing. Most importantly, will I be around you guys?

Chicago - lots to see and lots to do, but there's no fun in it if you aren't with me :(

My dad tells me that I'm too dependent, too dependent on you. Is it wrong to be? How can I help not be, when you're so amazingly strong?

Yesterday I spent a few minutes looking through my scrapbook, the one I started with Mansi. Each page takes so much effort to put together, but each time I look back at that page, a gush of emotions and stories overtake me. They were simple moments. But so simply deep. Each time the camera clicked, I made a note to myself -- "I will never forget this moment." And I'm glad today that not just me, but we all did that and that we could be so aware that the moment was going to end, but still soak in the moment and every single move and feeling with it. Still live in it. It's so vivid that each time we talk about it, it comes back to us, recreated, as if it was literally yesterday.

And I think...it's okay to be dependent on you. Because it's you.

from words to feelings

2010-04-09T13:58:00.002-05:00

Someone once told me that while education is important, it does not bring awareness.

I think education does bring awareness. It's not the only thing that does, but it's one of those important things that brings with itself, awareness and a lot more. I look back today and wonder, had I not been educated in science, I would not understand the importance of sanitation of oneself and one's food, or why India is so populated today - things everyone needs to know. Had I not been educated in social science, I would not understand the importance of a community, a nation. The significance of myself as an individual in this society. English, a language that breaks barriers, and communicates heartfelt emotions, opinions, and life-changing decisions, all across the world. Education today has connected me by soul and duty, to several parts of this world, and education is really what has made me aware.

Of course education brings awareness about the issues that currently exist. Education exists in many forms. There's traditional schooling, and then there's more hands-on learning, which can take place within a school, or outside of it. If our concern is really that education isn't bringing enough awareness, then we should tie in these issues in the basic syllabi of all classes. We should teach the importance of knowing basic math in the real world, and how the knowledge of it can help smartly save and invest money. We should take children out of the schools, give them a couple of bucks and let them allocate portions to make the best use of it.

For me, education is awareness.

Indian-style French toast

2009-10-23T14:14:00.004-05:00

Sooo... this is a recipe a friend suggested :) I was hungry, and wanted to try something new (and wanted to use up my eggs also)

Indian-style French toast

Ingredients
Eggs (2)
Garam Masala (as per taste)
Salt (as per taste)
Red Chilli Powder (as per taste)
Bread -- I prefer whole wheat :-)
Oil (spray)
Green chutney
Red sauce (ketchup, or anything sweet)

Pan

Procedure
1) Beat 2 eggs (or more if you're an egg-lover. I'm not so much)
2) Mix in salt, red chilli powder, and garam masala . Beat some more
3) Take two slices of bread and layer one with some sort of green chutney. Layer the other with ketchup or a sweet sauce. Put the two slices together.
4) Now, divide the "sandwich" in four squares.
5) Lightly spray the pan.
6) Dip in the egg-beaten-up batter.
7) Fry the pieces in the pan until golden brown (and don't leave any egg uncooked-you'll get sick. Or maybe even salmonella-poisoning.)
8) Serve with some ketchup!

READY! :-)

<3>

Some updates:
Friday: Going to Champaign tonight and we're going to dance the night away at the UIUC GRB :-)
Saturday: Attending Asha's Sharad Saavan, and supporting for underprivileged children in India. If you're reading this, you should do the same.
Sunday: Back to Chitown and studying. boo :-(

Asha - a Great Non-Profit Organization

2009-10-04T15:50:00.003-05:00

If you have been a part of Asha, volunteered, have been helped by, or even have just heard of Asha, please write a review for it :)

http://greatnonprofits.org/reviews/asha-for-education/

office hours - a success!

2009-09-16T12:53:00.003-05:00

I could help a student today!! :-) She asked about some questions which had to do with basic physics, and I could actually help her out :-) iyayyy!!

I think I might just be able to do this. I'm thinking I'll take up that Algebra Tutoring job next semester.

First Day at Office Hrs!

2009-09-09T11:54:00.002-05:00

12pm-1pm

12:15PM: I got here 15 minutes early (11:45am) out of nervousness... It's 12:15 and no one is here. I'm soooo relieved! Haha :D I just sent an email to one of the students answering her questions.

12:37PM: No one!!

1:15pm: NO ONE! YAYYYYYYYY.

saved.

SSMJ

2009-08-26T01:33:00.002-05:00

[Dedicated to SSMJ]

On this new journey of ours, I wish for us all the success and all the results of our work to show. Just remember, from this point onwards, there's no looking back. We will move on and move ahead. No matter how far we are from home, or from each other, we are and will be forever united with very special bond, beyond sisterhood and beyond friendship, a bond of full trust and dependence, a bond overflowing with unlimited love and care. Most importantly, this will never be broken.

While we move on today with lessons learned and relationships understood, we will still have open minds and open hearts to the new and unfamiliar...we will face the challenges to come...and we will not fear.

Mansi, as the sun rises in the coming few hours, we all wish you a safe and happy journey...and we <3 U so very very much.

my new place

2009-08-17T18:46:00.002-05:00

i'm here, in college, ready to begin grad school.
I'm all moved in today. My apartment is beautiful and cozy, but the feelings just aren't there. But of course, it's too early to judge.

This apartment building has two sections, A and B. Section A faces the road driving into campus, and section B faces the road driving into the expressway, out of campus, and back home. I live in section B.

I miss my family, I miss my friends. I hope tomorrow brings a new and positive outlook for me, where I can soon find my place, in an academic circle, in a social circle, and in my career :-)

ma

2009-07-10T21:59:00.000-05:00

I'm in India.

I love it here. I love the rains (few, but soft and fragrant). I just got drenched in the rain yesterday! I could never do that there. :) I love the nature. The birds chirping, the doodhwala, sabjiwala, Madhu aunty, the fan constantly on, even the heat! I love sitting on my flat bed and not getting a neckache every morning. I love watching people on the streets. I love long drives on roads.I love the simple life, making do with what's there. I love my creaking almaris.

But I hate it here too. People say life in America is fast-paced. I think life in India is fast-paced. It just looks like it's slow.

It's so fast that people living next to each other, people in the same family, people right next to you don't know anything but themselves. I wonder if there really are any such great problems that people here have, that narrows down their point of view. Or do I just have no such problems in my life that I don't understand what people feel here? No one sees anyone...or anything for that matter...beyond themselves. It seems like everyone for themselves. 11 years ago this wasn't the case. Or was it always?

People say India is advancing. But nothing I've seen yet has advanced. Not the culture, not the principles, not the people, not in my own family at least. It's not the heat that's intolerable. It's the snifs I hear and the tears I see. I know there's more to it. I wish I could see it.

I used to love coming back to India every year. I still do. But over this beautiful motherland, there's a facade I'm not liking :( I used to come for the country, the culture, the people, my family, and my friends. On July 9th 2009, I came for the country and my friends. I don't want this list to get any shorter than this.

I hope I'm the narrow-minded one.

in search for the answer

2009-05-01T13:16:00.002-05:00

the time to make a decision is approaching, and now i question...is this what fate has in store for me? is this what i want in my life? is this where my life is headed? can i take the step that's hardest to take, can i go for change, can i do what i think may be best for all of us?

lotus in the rain

2009-04-26T09:07:00.003-05:00

As time flies by, I thought I learned all I had to learn. I thought I was done. The grueling, painful process of learning was over. But, I was wrong.

I question. Why? Why still? Why aren't we over with this yet? Why is there yet more wait? In a whole mesh of complications, why hasn't a solution come through, like a lotus appears in a muddy pond?

I'm not sure how to start this post, so I'll try my best to put down my feelings as they are right now. I see some dewdrops of rain, left behind by a huge thunderstorm, the coming of a new beginning... As afraid as I am for what might come, I'm eager. Anxious for the raging black hole to open up finally and suck in all the pain and leave behind the good.

The fight for the right and for justice continues. And it's climaxed to one of the most gruesome, unbearable points...but there's no turning back now. I keep telling myself, and I believe this to be true: It is the law of nature. What goes up, must come down. And...what goes down, must rise. The time is coming, OUR time is coming...when the right rises, and the wrong falls. I know that God is with us and will stay with us throughout. I believe that these testing times will be over soon. I believe that we will regain, health, wellness, confidence, and the victory that was always ours. I believe that my words are not merely words, but a premonition of what's to come.

I pray for everything to come together, all the forces of nature, all the goodness of the world, and sprout out that lotus that we so seek in this muddy and lonely thunderstorm.

aandhiyon se jhagad rahi hai lau meri...

2009-03-16T00:20:00.004-05:00

Jessica: shocked
Jessica: wants Justice
Jessica: just realized that there is no justice, and good intentions fail, and wrong people win.
Jessica: questions Karma...

Song in my head: Khoon Chala (Rang De Basanti)

The last bit of our year, and the pain penetrates deeper than any emotion I've ever felt. It's true what people say, time doesn't wait for anyone. I wanted to go back to my post about heroes of justice. I wanted to also go back to my previous post about revelations. I come across yet another revelation.

We feel defeated. Tired of fighting, tired of fighting for what's right, tired of fighting for morals, tired of asking for justice... tired of living in a world where no authority has authority and the only ones who win are those who aren't just, who are wrong, and who are selfish. If winning is for selfish people, I don't ever want to be so ambitious in my life.

I thought justice alone is its own supporter, it's own reality, its own strength, and its own proof. I refuse to sit back and believe that justice loses. I refuse to believe that fighters of justice can lose.

What happened in the past few months, the realization that took place in the few hours of that Saturday afternoon, nothing can be replaced, forgotten. Nothing can be understood...I know time will make it all better. But will it really?
Was this all that was to be learned from this? Our trust in justice, in the good, is it to be lost?
Time is the only resolution?

I wish I could take away all this pain for us and drink it like the poison Shivji drank. I wish I could really be the change I want to see in this world.

Song in my head: Roobaroo (Rang De Basanti)

happy

2009-02-11T23:31:00.001-06:00

i just want to say

I'm really happy today :)

Song in my head: toooo many!!

revelation

2009-02-03T13:16:00.002-06:00

"Experience brings about the greatest revelations...." - That was the start of my personal statement. I realized in these 4 days that I've been in Delhi...the number of things that have happened, to me, my loved ones, my family, and others in this country...people are not what they seem to be.

1 2

In the past few days, I've come to realize that I am from a society of followers and no leaders. I live in a society where mankind, supposedly "humane" and "intelligent," oppress others of their own kind for no "reason." Reason -- that which each human seeks not only in every decision he/she makes, but in also emotion he/she feels, and that which ideally sets us apart from animals. Such followers are not only the ones oppressing, but also the ones oppressed.
I just wish everyone knew: Silence is not golden in anywhere except cinema halls! If no one speaks up, nothing will change. If you demand changes, you must demand it each day. Each person of this society wants changes so if everyone just puts their hearts and minds together, we could be each others support. We could be not only the law, or the government, but also the reason as well.

I have realized more clearly the things that give me pain. Imbalance, injustice, and others in pain.

I realized the undying value of a 1-second smile, and the painful tears caused by one uttered word.

I realized the power of ten against the power of one-- 10:1

There are some people we care about, some we trust, and then those very few who we not only care about, but also trust as well. Of all things in the past few days, most importantly I'm starting to realize who I really care about, who I trust, and who I both trust and care about. And soon those who come in none of these categories.

I have realized that there are people, very close to me, who make sacrifices daily of their thoughts, desires, and self-respect to attain balance in their lives. I realized how hard some people, in this very same society that I am from, work and how much they struggle for each and every thing they have or desire.

I realized that while I strongly believed that I wasn't a part of this society, I think I'm one of them, just a follower.

In this short journey of exhausting emotions, painful tears, unforgettable smiles, and echoing laughter....of all things and most importantly, I realized my love, and of course...
my reason.

senior year

2008-12-16T01:03:00.004-06:00

5 more months and we all part....the people who have who have shown me my identity, raised me to be myself, shown me the place we ALL hold in each other's life....learning the meaning and depth of relationships...learning, learning, and learning...through the smiles, the cries, the pain, the love, and the belief in each other........ this has been a really bad year for everyone...hearts hurt, mistakes made, friendships deteriorating, trusts broken, relationships changed, and truths revealed.... i wonder if everyone's senior year sucks! :(

i feel sad for those who have lost so much energy, faith, hope, and optimism because of everything that's happened.. i guess this is an important phase in our lives. it's not until now that i've truly realized that it was never about me... it was always about us. us, all the people around me that i care about....a person is not whole w/o his/her family and friends...everything is so interconnected....it's like what we learned in Hinduism class...

i don't know where we will be 5 months from now....but i do know that we are all so deeply connected that nothing can or will ever separate us... no physical barriers, no fights, and no differences... we're forever together.. these 4 years have carved out in our lives an important chapter that have been etched into our memories... not through just picures and quotes, but through laughter and tears, through those things that are not there physically, but will always be there in great spirit...

i want to make a wish for the coming new year... that starting jan 1, 2009, i wish that God brings so much happiness, love, and hope back into everyone's lives.... i wish for the best senior year ever.

i don't want to be great

2008-12-03T23:10:00.004-06:00

Great people always give up or lose either someone in their family, or their family.

Mahatma Gandhi
Bhagat Singh
...even Henry Ford

life's problems

2008-09-17T21:14:00.005-05:00

A friend once said to me, "You know Jessica, I think life's most complicated problems have the simplest solutions" ~AS
And I said, "You really think so?"

I think back to that conversation now and I realize that life has never had any complicated problems. We just make things more complicated than they are. It really is perspective and intention that can make one simple fact into a 50 page complication.

While science makes me appreciate the complexity of the human mind, daily life hurts my heart :-(

Daal Palak

2008-08-06T18:52:00.008-05:00

Today's special: DAAL PALAK/PALAK DAAL

INGREDIENTS

1 cup toor daal
5 oz baby spinach leaves (washed and chopped)
1 tomato (finely chopped)
1 small onion (finely chopped)
1/2 teaspoon ginger garlic paste
1 teaspoon laal mirch (red chilly powder)
1/2 teaspoon garam masala
1 teaspoon haldi (turmeric powder)
1 teaspoon dhania powder (coriander powder)
2 table spoon Oil
1 teaspoon jeera (cumin seeds)
Salt to taste

METHOD

Toor daal + haldi + some salt: Boil this about double the amount of water. Or use a pressure cooker or rice cooker if you know how to :-) (This took me 30 minutes probably without a pressure cooker)
Heat the oil and add cumin seeds.
Once the cumin seeds turn brown, add the chopped onions and sautee until they're pretty much fried. (At this point I add a little bit of the masalas to avoid adding them all in the end. This way the spices get absorbed in the food at each step and there's less waiting time in the end.)
Keep the heat on medium & add tomatoes and cover the vessel to allow the tomatoes to soften. (At this point, I add some more spice)
Put in the chopped spinach leaves and let everything cook for another 5-10 minutes.
Once the tomato+onion+spinach mixture is done, go ahead and add the daal to it and let everything cook together for another 5-10 minutes.
Make sure to taste for salt etc.

child hunger facts

2008-08-06T12:10:00.001-05:00

Every five seconds a child dies because she or he is hungry
Source: UNICEF Fact Sheet on Child Survival (2007)
One out of four children - roughly 146 million - in developing countries are underweight
Source: The State of the World’s Children 2007, UNICEF

$1 can feed 4 children. Donate: From Hunger to Hope

Scary dream

2008-07-30T08:43:00.005-05:00

So I have a reputation of having really scary/bad dreams regularly :-( and pretty vivid ones too....
Last night:

I dreamt in my dream. In my dream, I was sleeping in the red bedroom in my house, my sister was asleep too. As I slept, I had a dream. I saw that there was this old lady (around 50 in age, looking a little young for her age with makeup) who was conspiring against me and Kriti, she was tricking us into something and we got tricked. I saw in my dream (in the dream) that when we wake up, I'll ask Kriti (my sister) to come with me to the bathroom so I can tell her about the dream and we know to stick together. I saw another whole series of things in the dream (in my dream) and soon was awake (awake in my dream).

Kriti woke up at the same time I woke up. (Now we're out of the dream in the dream) I told her the first two scenes of my dream, and she mentioned another scene in the series...and I realized that we actually had the same dream. Which means...something is up! Confused and scared, I walked out of my room and went left, saw a lady at our staircase, acting sort of like a host. It was kind of unusual since we don't really have servants/hosts other than ourselves in the house, but I didn't make much of it in the dream. I turned around to go back to my room and in the front was our yellow room (yellow room, right of the red room) and on the bed was a ~50-yr old lady. Still confused as to why someone, someone not related to me or my friend, is in my room, I asked, "Hi, can I help you?"
She looked at me and said, "Yes, I'd like to meet your mother."
Suspecting something at this point, I got defensive and retorted back, "I'm sorry she's busy in the kitchen. If you want to meet her, you'll have to go downstairs."
She said, "Oh...but could you call her upstairs?"
Me, "No! I'm sorry, but she's busy, she'll be too tired to walk up and down the stairs! If you want to meet her, you'll have to go downstairs!"
.....and I started backing away from her slowly with Kriti...each step taking me further away from her, trying to get outside the room so we could..escape?

Old lady: "But you guys are going to go to the bathroom right now..."
At this point, I know this sounds really funny, but please envision this to be MUCH scarier than how you read it. I realized that she wanted us to go through the story exactly how it happened...first I take Kriti in the bathroom and tell her my dream, then we come out..so on..
After this little moment, scared for our lives and really angered, I grabbed the lady by her collar and told her that nothing like that is going to happen. In a fit of rage, I guess I tore her collar and she looked up at me, her eyes suddenly gray and her pupil like a cat's (Cats are cute, but not my ideal pet)....and she cursed me (like a real curse from which you can't escape) and somewhere in her speech I guess she mentioned that only way to escape the curse is if I can touch ground 5 stories below without touching the floors/steps in the middle. Basically I should jump from 5-story building - I wasn't finding this too appealing :-/

In desperation and fear, I took Kriti's hand and jumped from the top of the staircase to the floor below hoping that 1) one-story will do the trick, and the curse will be broken, and/or 2) if nothing else, we might as well try to escape). I ran to the kitchen screaming, "MUMMY! MUMMY!!! MUMMYYY!!!"

And with that note, I woke up kind of disturbed. This time I woke up really... in real life. Thank God!

I've been asked to write a happy ending to this story and read it before I go to bed, in attempt to get rid of my bad dreams saga. So I'm going to give this a little try :)

My Custom Happy Ending: Remember how I said the old lady was asking for Mummy? Well, we got to the kitchen screaming Mummy's name, and told Mummy that this lady was after us. Mummy, being the supermom that she is :), got enfuriated. When the two ladies came downstairs, Mummy looked them both in the eye and said..."MERE CHOTE CHOTE BACCHON KO DARATE HO!!??!?! JAATE HO YA BELAN SE MAARUN!!!!"
And there the ladies were destroyed and vanished forever!

Thanks Mummy dearest, for saving the day and our lives :-)

inspirations

2008-05-10T16:51:00.003-05:00

My very first and most important inspiration, my sister. When I was little, I used to watch my sister draw and sketch. She's quite the artist. I was maybe 5 years old...I used to think that when you draw a person, you need to draw EVERYTHING inside and outside that person: the bones, nerves, muscles, then the body, and then clothes on top of all that....seemed so complicated, so I never really drew anything more than stick figures. One day I saw my sister draw, and I realized that you really don't need the bones, nerves, and muscles...all you need to draw are the clothes and the person. Struggling start...but my sister has made me today an artist. An artist not just in art, but in thoughts as well. She's my start to a lot of things in life, of course the first sister, but also the first best friend. She is my first inspiration, my foundation. The first splash of color to my life, that which will forever remain. Embodiment of a sisterly care...I love it when she spoils me! :) What I learned from her is something no friend, no family could teach....something that can only be felt...an experience most real, but even more dream-like, a lesson of a lifetime.

My friends are my second most important inspirations. I learned how to care about people and see the other side of life through my friends. I learned to take risks in life, run after dreams, fight for what I believe in, and give, give, and give unconditionally. I realized my true identity and still continue today to find something new about myself every single day. They taught me how to appreciate the little things in life and go ahead and do the big ones ;) The difference between right and wrong, the difference between those who can show that they care and those who aren't able to show it--and to appreciate and love them both.

---x---

I had a strange dream last night, I composed a whole song in my dream!! And when I woke up, I found myself humming this song! It was hilarious :D I was dancing in the park outside my nana-nani's house and I was swinging on gigantic swing! I wore a beautiful reddish pink ghagra/skirt, dressed like a princess, with the finest sparkling jewelery. But there was no one around. I was alone in the park and alone in the house.
Before that, I had another dream in which I was with someone I know and care about a lot. I was talking to this person's professor, and when I turned around, this person was gone :( The last thing I remember was that I just ran out of the building...and then I woke up to a tummy ache.

?

2008-05-06T21:18:00.003-05:00

Why do I love you so much?

falling apart

2008-05-05T00:29:00.000-05:00

I feel like everything's falling apart. It's like a dramatic Hindi movie :( I wish it wasn't happening this way. The ones we thought were supporting us just left us stranded today. I can't even explain to myself what's going on. It's come to such a point that our own have abandoned us. What should I make out of it? What should we make out of it? I have decided that I want to be that helping hand which my own couldn't be. I don't know whether to feel privileged that I'm not a victim of such a situation, or whether to feel horrible I'm a witness to it. I happen to be a part of the opposition, the ones who did it. :( This could have never happened to me, never to us. Never did I think I might end up being a part of this injustice, this horror.
I know this is a far-fetched thought for many, but I want to bring justice and equality. How is it that in this world so many people are going through injustice? Is it really that hard to be just? Is it really hard to spread love and care? How can people be selfish? How?? Why is it so hard to care about others? Why is it so hard to think beyond..? Beyond oneself? I just don't understand it. People who speak the truth and fight for the truth, they always get walked all over. Especially in India. And it's so sad because India is the land of many colors, it's the art of diversity, it's the voice of all sounds coming together. I just have such a hard time coming to terms with this fact of reality. Those who have tried to change the world have succeeded and after they are gone, the world comes back to its entropy--chaos, disorder, greed, injustice. Whether it was Gandhi or Bhagat Singh, Mother Teresa or Princess Diana.
I hope God gets me through this. I hope He helps us all get through this time. I hope he gives justice to those who are not getting it. Guide me to the path of light, the path of moral and righteousness, and give me the strength to fight for it and to keep fighting for it.

It's said that good always prevails evil, is that really true? I hope it is, and I hope I can one day prove it to those who tell me it's not--you know who you are.

Thanks for being there *Sheila*, through thick and thin, through the worst of times, for truly being the definition of a best friend.

Love?

2008-04-24T04:11:00.000-05:00

I was thinking today. How do we define love? I could google the whole world on the internet, but no where does can I find what love is.

I think it's like faith, religion, a belief that no one can teach you, but not a practice, because a practice is something you do out of routine-ness, not necessarily desire. So it is what people say, it's something you define for yourself. And today I'm having such a hard time defining it for myself. Not in words because maybe it's a language of no physical or emotional words. But...I can't even define it in thoughts, because I can't understand my thoughts.

My tummy hurts :-(
----x---
What we all ask for and want are secret mini-manifestations of our dreams and desires. Sort of like Freudian psychology :D but not so extreme!! So back to my question, why are people afraid to dream? Why are people afraid to desire or want? Why are people afraid to go get what they want? I guess we all kind of know why :-/

Dilemma

2008-04-08T20:51:00.000-05:00

Maybe I think too much, or maybe I think too hard

If you know something is the right thing to do, how do you get yourself to do it? If you have to do it alone, how do you do it? कैसे? कैसे...?

"Raahein dhuaa dhuaa...yeh mere saath kya kar rahi zindagi
Jo socha tha waise na hua kabhi, jeena hoga dujo ke sharto pe bhi... is dhuen mein ho gaye hain...gum.."

[Raahein Dhuan Dhuan: Ramji London Waley: Sonu Nigam]